Wednesday, May 04, 2005

The Dr. Phil Primetime Intervention Drinking Game!

9:39 PM EST: Hey-oh! We got it! Take one drink of your favorite intervention-viewing beverage whenever Dr. Phil says:

1. "Drugs"
2. "Drinking and drugging"
3. "Buddy"
4. "Out-of-control"
5. "You're out-of-control"
6. "You're out of control, buddy"
7. Whenever a full shot is awkwardly followed by a closeup (2 drinks if the closeup cuts off before it gets to his gleaming head).
8. Whenever Dr. Phil sneaks a direct look into the camera when he's supposed to be looking at the interview subject.
9. Whenever Dr. Phil is kind of acting like a deuschbag.

If you're not "out-of-control" by then, try drinking whenever Dr. Phil has a moustache.

Boring!

9:36 PM EST: Listening to Dr. Phil say "drinking and drugging" is like listening to Mr. Mackey counsel the South Park kids about sex. This prime-time intervention has taken a turn for the yawns. Must figure out a way to salvage this.

Whose Head is Bigger?

HALFTIME REPORT: Dr. Phil calls P.O. "arrogant." Hey, lay off, doc. That's like us calling you a real doctor. Sounds like all P.O. wanted was a three-way. Big deal. He was merely trying to fulfill the cultural promise that is having a moustache.

So Dr. Phil is Crazy, and Other Initial Impressions of Note

FIRST QUARTER REPORT: Some thoughts ... love the pop star scandal montage (it reminded us that Winona Ryder is so fucking hot) ... I could use less dramatic pan-in/pan-out ... I'm sure the Four Seasons appreciated the product placement. Next time you're in New York, be sure to stay in the Pat O'Brien suite ... P.O.'s fireplace is truly so fucking hot. Pretty sure CBS strategically placed it in the background to convey warmth.

I Am So Fucking Pumped

The showdown at the P.O. Corral is so fucking on ...

117 Minutes Til the P.O.-Dr. P Showdown!

That's less than two hours to you drug-addled, P.O. wanna-bes. And, coincidentally, the number of lines our moustached messiah did off the back of his TV Guide the night he made his now-infamous phone calls. Here's a pre-showdown menu to prepare (don't even think of watching this epic television moment without proper snacks):

1. Pretzels.
2. Pabst (though we hear Pat O'Brien is now partial to Poland Spring).
3. Plenty o' tissues. This one could be a real tear-jerker, P.O.-style.

And while you're at it, bone-up on your P.O. fodder:

Synergy for Viacom: Dr. Phil of CBS Interviews Pat O'Brien of CBS (NY Times)
'ET' takes tabloid turn as 'Insider' stands Pat (Hollywood Reporter)

P.O. on Dr. P? Get Fucking Crazy/Real!!!

NEWS: We here at L.G.F.C.A.B.A.P.O. plan on “live-blogging” our troubled-cum-rehabilitated subject’s primetime interview tonight with Dr. Phil. Think we’d miss that shit? Get real! For Pat O’Brien blogs, it’s, like, umm, the fucking Super Bowl. So let’s get fucking crazy and blog!

Let's Get Crazy and Go Watch Indie Rock in the Desert

Apparently, P.O. is a fan of mediocre brit-pop. According to Defamer, our noble celebrity newsman turned up at Coachella last week, fresh off his rehab stint. (Or, as Defamer deftly put it, “a recovering addict hanging out in the desert with 50,000 opportunities to fall off the wagon"). Pat, we’re sure glad you liked Coachella, but how ‘bout making the trip to Bonnaroo. Neo-hippies tend to stock up on the good shit before heading into a remote locale for the weekend.

Obsessed? With Pat O'Brien? Naw ...

Sure, you could say we’re unhealthily obsessed with Pat O’Brien—but isn’t that what blogs are supposed to be? Plus, saying that would be hijacking one of Defamer’s brilliant taglines: Unhealthily Obsessed with Lindsay Lohan, who, by the way, we’re pretty sure Pat O’Brien wasn’t propositioning when he said he wanted to you-know-what all over her face. Which, by the way, we’re not into—unless Lindsay is.

Welcome to Our Fucking Blog About Pat O'Brien

Today marks the launch of the newest and fucking best blog about the embattled co-host of television’s the Insider, Pat O’Brien. We plan to update this blog—L.G.F.C.A.B.A.P.O.—as long as Pat O’Brien is in the news, or more accurately, stays “so fucking hot” among the mediarati. We’ll provide as much Pat O’Brien news, reviews and insights as s humanly possible. Or about two entries a day.